Recovery looks different for everyone. It is simplistic to
reduce anything as complex as how people heal or change to stages, steps or
phases. However, I have noticed a flow or pattern of how people go through
their recovery process. Sometimes they repeat stages, stay for long periods in
certain stages or even jump stages. Here is the framework that I often see.
1. Denial. Most people start their
recovery with some degree of denial. In order to live life, be successful, and move
forward denial is an important coping skill. Sometimes a traumatic memory needs
to be hidden in the psyche if a person wants to survive. When the time is right
to heal; meaning that there is enough safety, enough support, and/or the weight
of the trauma memory becomes too big to carry, then the work to unfold the
trauma capsule or memory can begin. Other parts of the self work hard to
protect the traumatized part with denial. Consequently, the parts of the psyche
or self that have been denying the trauma need to emerge and agree that they
have been doing just that and it is no longer beneficial to continue. This part
of the work can go on for a long time depending on how much the person wants to
move on in their healing. I hear phrases like:
“I can’t believe this really happened to me.”
“This couldn’t been true.”
“Did I make this up?’
When there is no longer any part of us invested in denying
the reality and scope of the trauma, then we feel like we are seeing the truth
of what happened for the first time, even though we have lived with it for
years. The pain now fully emerges due to not having the numbing device of
dissociation to cover it. We wake up into numbing disbelief, which turns into
pain and suffering. At this stage we need a lot of support, nurturing and care
to not turn to addictions to escape the feelings.
2. Anger. The second step after we
fully accept our trauma is anger. We are angry at the past, people in the
present, and ourselves. We are angry that the world can be so cruel, that we
were not protected, that people can act so horrid, and that we had to live
through what we did. We can be angry with our therapist for leading us into
this awakening. During this stage I hear phrases like:
“How come my mother did not protect me?”
“I wish he was dead.”
“There is no God.”
“The world is cruel.”
“Why me?’
When we learn ways to move through anger, how to release it
safely, how to hold it without being overwhelmed by it, and how to calm it,
then we can move into a more reflective expanded awareness of our self and the
world. We need to pace this step because we could be dealing with years of
bottled up anger. Remorse, self-blame, and fear can emerge and different parts
of self will have different agendas and stories that we will need to listen to
and resolve.
3. Bargaining. The third step is
bargaining with the past and the future. In this stage people feel that they
have lost too much time, wasted the best years or their lives or made bad
choices because of their traumatic childhood. Sometimes they wish they had
never started their recovery process because it is too painful. Sometimes they
wish they could just check out. This is a time when clients stop therapy and
think they need a break, when really, what they need to do is feel all the
feelings that are emerging and realize that they can bear it, even though it is
difficult and painful. During this stage I hear phrases like:
“I will never use again if things just get better.”
“ Why me, I don’t deserve this.”
“ If I read this book, do this workshop, see this healer I will be
healed and the pain will be over.”
“Why can’t I just move on?”
Railing against fate can
turn into having a deeper ability to reflect, understand and be with the chaos
of the universe. We can move away from blame and fear and find new ground after
we get a new philosophy, spiritual belief or understanding of the world that
fits.
4. Depression. The fourth step is
depression. This stage is usually flooded with sadness for yourself, others and
the state of the world. Sometimes you are reflecting in a healthy way on your
past and other times you feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of your loss. You
may isolate yourself and pull back from the world. It is the beginning of the
mourning process and you need to be gentle, and soft with the new you that is emerging.
During this stage I hear:
“The world is too evil.”
“The world is too evil.”
“Maybe I need to travel, retreat, and/or move.”
“ What is the meaning of life?”
This retreat stage is a time to heal wounds, talk to family
members and start the process of meaning making. It really is a time to embrace
“not knowing” although every inch of you wants to know why. It is a time to
deeply listen to all the different parts of you and be with yourself in a kind
compassionate way. You are getting to know yourself freshly.
5. Acceptance. In this stage of the
work you learn to accept yourself and others. You return to the surface work of
being yourself in the world. Practical matters are easier to work with and you
don’t feel as lonely. You want to reconstruct yourself and find a new way of
being in the world. The pain and turmoil are still with you but you have skills
in releasing, being and working with it. You find that you can stand in the
reality of your situation without the past hijacking you. You don’t feel the
urge to deny the past. It has found a different way to live openly in your
body. You are starting to feel hopeful. During this stage I hear:
“I am feeling more integrated and whole.”
“I am amazed about how strong I really am.”
“I want a more meaningful life.”
“I am less afraid and more peaceful.”
This awaking stage can be scary and exciting. It is another
birth stage in your life. You don’t turn your back on your weakness or wounded
parts but use your strength to integrate and include them in yourself. Accepting
your own weaknesses enables you to accept other people’s weaknesses and creates
an expansiveness in your field of awareness.
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| Clients art work. |
