I work with many children and youth who are part of the
foster care system. It is a complex, messy, and chaotic system of care. I
contract with many amazing caring Social Workers who try hard to provide homes
for children that are safe and nurturing. The system often falls short of what
it should be, sometimes traumatically. Over the years I have come to believe
that a few things need to be in place to assist children who move through the
maze of foster homes and transitions. We are hard wired to belong, attach and
be safe in a “home”. For the children I work with, this is not always the case.
I work with many caring nurturing foster parents; sadly I also work with foster
parents who fall short.
Over time I have come to realize that following are some of
things that help children who journey through foster care:
1. Not being split from their brothers and sisters. The
first thing children want is their Mom or a loving nurturing parent. If that
can’t be possible, then travelling through multiple homes with adults who are not
Mom and Dad is less painful if your brothers and sisters are along side to
provide family, sense of belonging and safety. Splitting up siblings causes all
children to go through abandonment once again. If possible, keep families
together.
2. Not being lied to.
Children need and desire to hear the truth. It is their right to know why they
are in foster care. It helps stop self-blame, guilt, shame and fear. The children
of care have suffered some form of trauma to be removed from their biological
parents, being lied to about the reasons why they are in foster care by Social
Workers, Therapists, Foster parents causes more trauma.
3. Home visits with as many relatives as possible is
important. The children I work with live for their family visits. Every effort
necessary should be made to ensure the visits happen no matter how complex it
becomes.
4. All questions about family, the system, and the future
should be honestly answered by those in charge. The worst thing for a child
lost in the system is not knowing.
5. Foster parents should receive education, training,
support, and ongoing guidance. Foster children often have complex behavioural
issues, trauma, emotional issues, grief, and attachment issues. Families who are supposed
to be helping these children grow and flourish need the knowhow and skills to
deal with dissociation, food problems, anger problems and a host of other
issues resulting from children being raised in a traumatic environment and then
going through the pain and grief of losing their biological parents.
Life is messy, complex and challenging. When we work along
side children we can never forget to keep the needs of the child at the
forefront of the system called Social Services. Children’s safety and wellbeing
depends on having true attachment, real family, and authentic care, not being
placed in an environment that looks like it provides nurturing but really it
doesn’t. If you’re interested in reading more about my work with children
please see my new book, “There is No Need to Talk About This.”
