Self-sabotage is when
people engage in behaviour that either hurts them, or gets them into trouble.
People use drugs, steal, starve themselves, find and stay in abusive
relationships, cheat on their spouse, drive too fast, drink themselves to
death, overeat, don't exercise, or push people away.
As a child,
everyone wants to be loved and accepted. Some children receive unconditional
love from their parents and are told, "We love you. We want you. We will
nurture you." Other children are told either verbally or nonverbal,
"We don't want you. You are a bother, a burden.” Children who are not
taught coping skills don't learn how to survive in a sometimes hostile and
frightening world. Other children are brought up with an unrealistically
excessive idea of their own power or to mistrust their power. They can feel
totally powerless over situations that occur around them. Having either a sense
of too much power or no power can cause children to misjudge situations and
hurt themselves in the process.
Internalization
of invisible messages results in people not valuing their own existence.
Self-sabotage is the result of an internalized self-destruction wish or an
inability to take care of oneself in the world. Their parents and others have
often shamed people who feel worthless. They are told they are not good enough.
These people may continue to engage in self-sabotaging behaviours to maintain
their shame. This validates their feeling that they actually are worthless. It
contains the confused message that somehow this self-sabotaging behaviour is
keeping one safe when in reality it is doing the opposite. It is a twisted
attempt to be accepted, as you believe you are, not as you really are.
Self-sabotaging
people need to heal that part of them that was injured and learn to love,
nurture, and validate themselves for who they are. Healing from shame involves knowing that one
is lovable when being authentic. How do you know if you self-sabotage? Here are
some examples:
1. Always bending over backwards to
win over people.
2. Expressing contrived concern for
others.
3. Always trying to smooth out rough
edges in uncomfortable situations with others.
4. Always looking for outside
approval.
5. Always worried if you have upset
someone or believing that others may be mad at you and disregarding your own
feelings.
6. Always trying to explain or justify
you to others.
If you feel yourself bending to one of these behaviours, you might
be readying yourself to go into sabotage. Try to do the following instead of
your habitual way of reacting.
1. Bring yourself into presence. Take
a deep breath, step back, and or yawn. Do anything that will wake you up to the
present moment.
2. Next ask yourself if you feel
uncomfortable anywhere in your body with what you were about to say or do. Is
there a part of you that is feeling afraid?
3. Check to see if you want to
explain, talk too much or do any other behaviour right now that is coming from
a self-sabotaging place inside of you.
4. Stay silent. Being consciously
silent helps you stop self-sabotaging. Watch you want to react in your habitual
way, but do not give in. Breathe through the desire to talk.
5. Once you are alone, release the
pressure that has built up in your body by not talking by walking fast,
painting, running, writing down the experience.
Working in this way helps you identify clearly your habit of
self-sabotage, slows down the habit of doing so and helps you regroup so you
have the time and energy to act in a different way. What you are trying to do
is reclaim your right to your feelings and act authentically. Taking some time
to paint or draw situations in which you habitually self-sabotage help you get
a clear picture of moments that you unconsciously out of habit. Painting the
scene helps bring consciousness to this unconscious part of your life.
